When Sex Hurts: Why “Just Relax” Is Bad Advice
Author: The Narcis editorial team · updated: August 2026
🩺 Medical review: awaiting confirmation by a medical reviewer · physician (gynaecology / endocrinology)
ENGLISH · Narcis editorial
What is driving this
Painful sex attracts surprisingly bad advice: “Relax,” “Have a drink,” “Do it more often and you’ll get used to it.” If the brain has already learned to associate penetration with pain, repeatedly forcing the body through pain can strengthen the fear-and-tension cycle.
Contemporary reviews of genito-pelvic pain and penetration difficulties describe a biopsychosocial picture: medical causes, pelvic-floor factors, anxiety, anticipation of pain, relationship dynamics, and previous experience can all matter. The problem cannot honestly be reduced either to “it’s all in your head” or to a single muscle.
The partner is part of the system too. A systematic review of partners’ experiences describes rejection, frustration, and helplessness, which can increase couple tension. The partner’s job, however, is not to convince someone that “it won’t hurt”; it is to reduce pressure and support appropriate care.
The practical principle is unglamorous but important: painful penetration should not be trained through pain. Medical assessment comes first, followed as appropriate by pelvic-floor treatment, medical care, psychological/sex therapy, or a combination.
Sex does not have to disappear while the problem is treated. Intimacy is broader than penetration, and removing penetration as a compulsory endpoint can sometimes restore a sense of choice and safety.
How this looks outside theory
A woman has pain with penetration and hears, “Just relax, you’re tensing yourself.” Even when fear and pelvic tension contribute, the pain is not imaginary. Medical, pelvic-floor, and psychological factors can coexist. Repeatedly enduring pain in order to “get used to it” is a poor strategy.
What one fact does not prove
Sexual response is not a direct test of love, morality, or relationship quality. Desire and arousal are shaped by body, context, safety, stress, medication, pain, prior experience, and couple dynamics. One symptom rarely has one explanation.
What therapy works with here
Therapy is often more useful when it asks not “what is wrong with me?” but under what conditions sexual response changes: what creates tension, where freedom disappears, how the couple talks about desire and refusal, and what meanings sex has acquired. This creates more choice than a demand to “fix libido.”
Four questions instead of a quick conclusion
For “this topic,” keep four questions separate. Desire: is there internal interest in sex? Arousal: how does the body respond once contact begins? Consent: can either person freely say no and change their mind? Comfort: is there pain, dryness, bleeding, or an abrupt change in function? Then examine context — stress, sleep, medication, conflict, privacy, life stage. Psychotherapy can address fear, shame, relational scripts, and communication; it should not psychologize new pain or other physical symptoms without medical assessment.
Medical note. Medical assessment is central to this topic: new or persistent pain, bleeding, marked dryness, an abrupt change in sexual function, or other physical symptoms require clinical evaluation rather than a purely psychological explanation.
Books and sources
If this topic resonated — you do not have to sit with it alone.
Find a therapist for this topic →This article is for information only and is not a substitute for an individual consultation with a specialist.